So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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