guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
