I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
