hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize