he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
