she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
