it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
But break dance skills will only take you so far
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize