Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I stole a fireplace last night.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
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