I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
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