Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
