He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
where are my eyebrows?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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