Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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