So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Can Purell be used as lube?
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
