I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
