Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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