my phone needs a breathalizer
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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