the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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