2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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