I accidentally had phone sex last night
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
