I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
