If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
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