omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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