hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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