Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
