I just pynch a tree in the face
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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