It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
