Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
whose ass print is on the piano?
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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