she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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