My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
