I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
We're too hungover to prance.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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