we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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