Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
