I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
