Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
