I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Someone came in the potted fern
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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