so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize