The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
