I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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