i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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