I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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