I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
