apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
