We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize