Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
A bitchslap is in order.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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