I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
