the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Randomize
