i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
