I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I cut my penus on the lid.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
