She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
