YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
