By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
