She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Randomize