he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
You had me at "let me see your balls"
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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