Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize