I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
