Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Randomize
