I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
