Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Pants are for mortals
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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