fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
